I’m done watching my fourth Kdrama of the month and I plan to keep on going. I suddenly lost the drive and the interest to work on the unread books in my shelf. The storyline that I am working on for the workshop is still left unrevised. The next entry for my blog series is nowhere near done, and I am trying to decide if I’d still continue the project.
The enhanced community quarantine has been modified, and the rules have loosened if just for a bit. I want to visit my doctor to check if my prescription dosages need to be adjusted but I can’t – out-patient clinics are still closed. Yet the malls are packed with the unsuspecting crowd, lounging around without care in the world. It’s as if the virus is gone and everyone just went back to the old normal. I’m scared and anxious, to the point that something worse is bound to happen.
A part of me wants to go out. I am running out of good pens to write with and highlighters to adorn my bullet journal that seems to be falling apart. I am craving for samgyup, brought about by the Kdramas I’ve been watching ’til the early hours of the morning. My skin is in dire need of sheetmasks, exfoliants, and serums. Trivial things they are, and some people may even say I sound too entitled and privileged. But these are the things I would normally get for myself to keep my sanity intact. I write down what’s on my head. I eat good food. I give myself a little bit of self-care. In this time when home is no longer a respite from my job and I have to work double just to prove that I am actually doing something relevant to what I am paid for, I feel drained. In this time when there are so many people outside while mass testing has not happened yet and the cure for the virus remains unavailable, I feel anxious. What will happen if the number of cases surges up again? What if instead of another round of ECQ, the government decides a total lockdown?
I am happy that I am home with my family, and all of us are safe and sound. I am sad that I cannot do anything but feel trapped and wallow in this deafening silence. I am happy that I still have a job. I am sad that my confidence that I could keep it for a long time is shaken. I am happy that I can still talk and chat with my friends through various messaging apps. I am sad that many people have lost their loved ones, and some have died alone and probably scared.
But we pray. We continue to ask the heavens for guidance and strength. Because in this time when hope seems to fade, our faith in God should begin.