If there is one thing I regret doing in 2019, it’s all the time I spent scrolling mindlessly on my social media apps.
2019 was supposed to be a year of adventures, new discoveries, and accomplishments. I wanted to meet new people, visit new places, sit on a new table dining, and try to do things I’ve never done before. The first weeks of the year were full of excitement and hope, as I thought of the stories I’d be sharing about the new things I would learn. But I guess I wasn’t meant to do all that. Instead, 2019 became a year of self-discovery, discernment, and cultivating my existing relationships with other people.
I’ve read somewhere that if you do not have the need to filter the words you say, it means you’re with the right people. I proved this to be true, on so many levels. I learned to accept the fact that I cannot please everyone, that some people would take offense on what I’m saying regardless if it’s a joke or not. And I understood that I do not have to change the things about me that makes me who I am just to appease these people. That it’s okay to walk away and choose to be with those who’d tell me I’m going overboard without depriving me of my right to speak my mind.
Social media is not a cure for boredom, that I also discovered. It only increased my anxiety of being in a place I thought I don’t want to be. I convinced myself that I am just getting some inspiration from other people’s Instagram feed on where to go next and what to do in that place. I tricked myself into thinking that watching makeup tutorials and how-to-be-productive vlogs on Youtube will motivate me to finally get off the bed, take shower and do my own thing. Looking back, I could have read more books, or added more words to my WIPs, or soaked myself in the sun (not that I am allowed to do that for long periods of time). I’ve always said that the time I enjoyed wasting is not wasted time at all. Did I enjoy wasting time on social media? Maybe? But I definitely regret it.
I also denied myself a lot of opportunities in 2019. Opportunities that could have helped me in my long-term goals. Did I fail to find the time? Maybe. Did I lose the motivation? Probably. I do not have any concrete reason for saying no to most of them. The only thing I can remember is that I wasn’t ready to do any of them. I got too busy planning for just one simple project, worrying about the possibilities of failure and rejection that I ran out of time to actually execute those plans and get the project in action. It was too late when I figured that ready or not, I should’ve just taken them. Started doing them. Who knew, maybe my unreadiness could’ve actually made me the best person to do it.
Though I missed a lot of things this year, it wasn’t just all about my regret of not doing things. Because while I failed to find the time to work on my long-term goals, I was able to spend the time with the people and things that mattered. I didn’t go to a lot of new places, but I was able to go out with my some of my favorite people and talked to them about just anything over cups of coffee and expensive pasta in an overrated place where you pay not for food but for the experience. New people in an old place meant new experience. New place with old people meant new memories.
Did I accomplish any of my goals in 2019? A little bit. But I definitely could have done more things.
So in 2020, there are no goals. I am not setting myself anything to accomplish for this year (apart from the one that my high school friends and I are cooking up since last year). In 2020, I just want to live. It’s way too hard to be an inspiration to other people when you, yourself are not inspired enough to do exciting things. This year, I’ll keep myself from planning ahead and just do what I feel and think is right. This year, I’ll count the number of moments, and not the things I need to prepare in order to enjoy that moment. I have to keep in mind that happiness, sadness, and anger are feelings, and therefore it’s okay to feel them along the way. I do not want to plan on how to be happy. I want to be happy.
In 2020, I have no goals. I just want to laugh. Cry. Breathe. Live.
And maybe just delete my social media apps.
Cheers to a better year ahead of us. Stay weird.