She said there are things that aren’t worth the fight even if you know in the end you’d win, says the character in one of my many WIP short stories. I can’t remember what I was going through when I wrote that, but somehow it rang true when I read it again just a few days ago. There’s a lot of things I want to do in life, and a lot of things I want to have. Things that have been so elusive all these years that sometimes I feel like I’m starting to get tired of chasing after them.
Late night traffic does have its silver lining. Amidst the glaring street lights and the sad FM radio music (on a, sometimes, rainy night) I find the kind of peace that allows me to contemplate on how I am going to achieve that one shot at genuine happiness. I’m not the only person in the world who wants this, that’s for sure. In everything I have right now and in everything I’m working so hard to achieve, I realized that there are just a few things that I am ready to fight for with all of me.
My health. This is non-negotiable. Living with an autoimmune condition is a nightmare I’d want to wake up from, and there’s only so much I can do to keep myself moving. I’ve been a traitor to it the past weeks as I’ve been living on fast food and obscenely expensive coffee. Meal prep is something I want to reconcile with, if only to have another therapeutic activity after hours and hours of pretending to do so well in the corporate kingdom.
My passion. I write because that’s the only way I can make impossible things happen, things that have no chance of ever existing in real life (yes, I can be this pessimistic). I can kill people I hate with my pen and paper (too morbid), and I can make people I love immortal with my ink and words. I read because books take me to a different world, one where I could symphatize with the villain and still feel good about it. In other words, my passion allows me to be the person that I am. And who doesn’t want that?
My sense of self. No one can have the chance to make me question my values, beliefs, morals, judgements, and my decision to still use shampoos in sachets despite the global problem of plastic pollution. People may hate me for what I think about them, or if I disagree with what they think, but so what? I think it’s a waste of energy to explain myself, and there’s really no need to do so if I perfectly know where I stand.
My peace of mind. This is something of vital importance and also something that’s so hard to achieve. It’s pretty elusive especially if you’ve been hurt so many times before that you don’t know what’s forgiveness and acceptance anymore. No amount of time or travel or busyness, or even empathy that can heal a broken heart, and I’ve learned this the hard way. A decision has to be made in order to heal and move forward, and I was only able to do this with a peaceful mind.
Real friendships. That friend who said you’re just being too hard on yourself when you sincerely believed you’re fat and ugly. That friend who bought a copy of all of your books. That friend who told you to wish upon another star after the first star dies. That friend who shares the same passion with you and helps you do it with dignity. Fight for them. They’re rare gems.
Happy crushes . Because #TeamHappiness is for keeps!